The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing: How to Put Yourself First
How often do you find yourself putting the needs of others before your own, sacrificing your own well-being for the sake of pleasing those around you?
You're not alone.
Many of us have fallen into the trap of people-pleasing, believing that it's the key to maintaining harmonious relationships and being liked by others.
But what if I told you that this seemingly selfless behavior has a high price, one that takes a toll on our mental and emotional health?
I know, because I lived so many of my years trying to make everyone around me happy and fit into their idea of what and how I should be.
As a child, I took care of adults in my life. I’d help them out to make their life easier. I’d keep secrets to protect them from consequences or drama, in hopes that I would feel liked, loved, seen.
In relationships, I would lose myself for the other person. I put my needs aside hoping it was temporary, hoping they would see how much I cared and tried.
In hopes that they would like me, that I would like myself. And finally feel validated, worthy, and just…good.
I was in a relationship for many years where what I wanted and thought didn’t matter. To me or to him. I was shamed and pressured to be what they expected and needed me to be. And I complied.
What mattered most to me was being loved, being accepted, fitting into a “family” by any means necessary.
I was going to prove to myself that I was lovable.
No matter how much contorting and settling I had to do. No matter how small I needed to make myself. No matter how much my soul wanted to jump out of my own skin and escape.
The cost of this constant hustle for worthiness was exhausting, heartbreaking, disappointing, and lonely.
Maybe you can relate?
Let’s explore a few ways people-pleasing keeps us stuck in toxic patterns and what it costs us so that we can finally find our way out of it.
The Toll on Our Self-Esteem
As we explore the toll on our self-esteem, it becomes clear that constantly prioritizing the needs of others over our own can have a significant impact on our happiness.
When we consistently put our own desires and well-being on the back burner, we not only miss out on opportunities for self-care and personal fulfillment, but we also send a message to ourselves that our needs are less important than those of others.
This constant self-sacrifice can chip away at our self-esteem, leaving us with a diminished sense of self-worth. Over time, we may begin to question our own value and worthiness, as we witness others receiving the attention and care that we so willingly give.
Our self-esteem suffers as we internalize the belief that our own needs are not deserving of the same consideration and importance.
Our self-worth becomes dependent on the opinions, reactions, and validation of others and we end up feeling empty when it is not received.
And we end up in a toxic loop of trying to earn and seek approval.
But hold up, it gets worse.
By always catering to others, we're missing the chance to really discover who we are. Our personal growth takes a hit, and we're left feeling unfulfilled and detached from our true selves.
The long-term effects?
Resentment and burnout. We start resenting others for exploiting our "yes to everything" policy, and we're left drained and emotionally depleted.
But there is hope.
By developing an awareness of our toxic patterns and recognizing the toll that people-pleasing takes on our self-esteem, we can begin to break free from this unhealthy cycle.
The Impact on Our Happiness
Constantly bending over backward for others at the expense of our own needs can seriously mess with our self-esteem and happiness. It's like a one-way ticket to resentment and burnout, leaving us emotionally drained and depleted.
Recognizing the damage of people-pleasing is the first step to breaking free. Time to give ourselves a little credit and realize that our needs matter too.
Learning to set healthy boundaries is a crucial step in reclaiming our happiness and well-being. Clearly laying out what's okay and what's not prevents others from taking advantage of our perpetual "yes" mode. This way, we save our energy for stuff that actually fulfills us.
And let's not forget the magic of self-care. Yes, it’s not just a hashtag.
Taking a breather to tend to our physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being isn't just a luxury; it's a necessity. Whether it's a stroll in nature, diving into a good book, or hanging with loved ones, these moments remind us that our needs deserve attention too.
Cultivating a strong sense of self is an ongoing process, but it is vital in rebuilding our self-esteem and finding contentment. This involves recognizing our own values, passions, and goals, and aligning our actions and choices with them. By pursuing our own dreams and aspirations, we regain a sense of fulfillment and purpose, which ultimately contributes to our overall happiness.
The Stunted Growth in Personal Development
Reclaiming our happiness and well-being through building self-esteem and prioritizing self-care sets the stage for personal growth and development, providing us with a stable, loving foundation.
Breaking free from the people-pleasing trap is like giving ourselves permission to focus on what really matters: our own personal development.
You know, those goals we've been putting on the back burner while we're busy catering to everyone else's needs? Yeah, it's time to make those a priority.
By establishing clear boundaries, we assert our own values and create an environment where our personal development can thrive. This allows us to pursue our own passions and interests, leading to greater personal fulfillment and satisfaction.
Taking time for ourselves, whether it's through activities we enjoy, seeking support from others, or practicing self-reflection, allows us to better understand ourselves and our needs.
This heightened self-awareness paves the way for personal growth and enables us to make choices and decisions that align with our authentic selves.
Cultivating a strong sense of self is integral to personal development. When we constantly seek validation and approval from others, our sense of self can become distorted and fragmented.
By breaking free from the people-pleasing cycle, we can develop a deeper understanding of our own values, beliefs, and aspirations. This self-discovery fuels personal growth, enabling us to make choices that align with our true selves and pursue paths that bring us genuine happiness and fulfillment.
From this place of self-assuredness and authenticity, we can confidently navigate the challenges and opportunities that come our way, empowering us to continually grow and evolve.
The Erosion of Our Sense of Self
When we consistently prioritize the needs and desires of others above our own, we can easily lose sight of who we truly are. Our sense of self becomes eroded, chipped away bit by bit, as we constantly seek validation and approval from others.
As people-pleasers, we often find ourselves adapting to fit into the molds that others have created for us.
We morph and contort ourselves, sacrificing our own needs and desires in an attempt to meet the expectations of those around us.
In doing so, we neglect our own growth and well-being, leaving us feeling disconnected from our true selves.
We become so focused on pleasing others that we forget who we are and what truly brings us joy and fulfillment. This erosion of our sense of self can lead to feelings of emptiness, confusion, and a loss of purpose.
Moreover, constantly prioritizing others can result in a lack of boundaries and a blurred sense of self.
We become so entangled in the needs and wants of others that we struggle to distinguish where we end and they begin.
Our boundaries become porous, leaving us vulnerable to being taken advantage of or mistreated.
Without a strong sense of self, it becomes difficult to assert our own needs and establish healthy boundaries, further perpetuating the cycle of people-pleasing.
When we consistently put the needs of others before our own, we start to build up a reservoir of unmet desires and unexpressed emotions.
Over time, these suppressed feelings can simmer and boil over, leading to feelings of resentment and frustration. Additionally, constantly sacrificing our own well-being for others can leave us physically and emotionally drained, leading to burnout and a diminished capacity to care for ourselves and others.
Breaking Free from the People-Pleasing Cycle
The truth is, no matter how much I stretched and pushed myself to be what others needed, to fit their mold, to make them happy, and to focus on their needs and wants, I never actually got the love and acceptance I desired.
I always felt on the outskirts. Just one mistake away from being judged, scolded, found out, and kicked out of the group.
The child within never got the validation and acknowledgment I craved from the adult.
I never got the unconditional love, support, safety, and belonging I desired from the relationship or his family that I felt the need to be a part of.
But I did find relief.
I found safety and expansion, room to breathe, and be myself. I found acceptance, love, and validation from within.
It just took some courage to walk away.
To deal with my discomfort.
To work through my own problems.
And be willing to journey through that dark tunnel of fear, self-doubt, and the unknown.
Breaking free from the people-pleasing cycle requires a conscious effort to put yourself first and allow short-term discomfort for long-term relief and acceptance.
As a recovered people-pleaser, I know this is not an easy or simple task. But it’s important and it’s possible.
It means:
Re-evaluating our priorities and establishing healthier boundaries. (Or any boundaries at all)
Recognizing that our own needs and desires are just as important as the needs and desires of others.
Understanding that saying "no" is not selfish, but rather an act of self-care and self-preservation.
Identifying your inherent worth and value (No need to keep hustling)
To break free from your people-pleasing cycle, I encourage you to engage in self-reflection. Become more aware of your story, your resilience. Identify your core values and needs.
Taking the time to tune in to our own thoughts and feelings can help us understand what truly matters to us and what we need to prioritize in our lives.
This self-awareness allows us to make choices that are aligned with our own well-being, rather than constantly sacrificing ourselves for the sake of others.
It's important to remember that breaking free from the people-pleasing cycle is not a one-time event, but an ongoing process. It requires us to continuously evaluate and adjust our priorities and boundaries as our circumstances and relationships evolve.
It may also involve seeking support from a therapist, coach, or trusted friend who can provide guidance and accountability.
As we begin to assert our own needs and establish healthier boundaries, we may face resistance or pushback from those who have come to rely on us always saying "yes." However, by staying true to ourselves and prioritizing our own well-being, we ultimately create healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Breaking free from the people-pleasing cycle allows us to reclaim our sense of self and live a life that is authentically ours.
The high price of people-pleasing is far too steep to ignore.
Sacrificing our own needs for the sake of others takes a toll on our well-being in various ways. It diminishes our self-esteem, robs us of happiness, halts personal growth, and erodes our sense of self.
As we unravel this tendency to people-please, we must prioritize our own needs and desires, nurture our self-esteem and confidence, and embrace personal growth wholeheartedly.
Remember, your well-being matters, and it's worth fighting for.
When you’re ready to take this further….
If you’re interested in exploring mind, body, and soul approaches to healing you can grab my free guide Accepting Self, Finding Peace here to start exploring holistic soul care.
If you’re interested in a supportive group community as you work through the shit that holds you back, you can join the waitlist for the next round of ReDefine here.
In my group program, ReDefine, I help self-doubting women work through the shit that holds them back and nurture their inherent worthiness. We cover all of these topics and more. I help you set boundaries, honor your uniqueness, and cultivate true self-acceptance surrounded by women who truly get you and want the same thing.
Through a combination of mind, body, and soul-honoring approaches and guided exercises, you will discover tools and techniques to overcome past traumas, rebuild self-esteem, and cultivate a deep sense of self-worth.